[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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My dog after a walk in the woods.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.