[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)