[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…