[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
😂 amazing answer
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance