{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”