[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron