[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.