Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Dog: Time to take me out
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.