Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.