[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.