First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.