[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*