[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
the three branches of government
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.