First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared