<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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twitter is a journey
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.