*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
You Might Also Like
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Saturday
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
excuse me
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.