[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress