[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
inside you are two wolves
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
New Tinder profile.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?