[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.