[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5