First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
choose your fighter
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.