[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
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[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I will never stop laughing at this
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
fixed it
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: