(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened