[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
the rocks need my help
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg