[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
But is it really??
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.