[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s