{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.