[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.