[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If looks could kill
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
SPLOOT
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35