[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You Might Also Like
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows