[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
You Might Also Like
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.