[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Meanwhile in Portland…
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
i- i did not expect this
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?