[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.