[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs