[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
You Might Also Like
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok