[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”