[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
You Might Also Like
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Human are so complicated
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.