[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Pringles
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?