[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Lube but for my dry humor.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!