[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
spicy snake
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP