[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
They’re not wrong
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
when you are just born a rebel
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.