[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail