[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
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Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting