[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
never forget
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm