[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.