[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Name this drama.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month