[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)