*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Wait a second…
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.