[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Education is vital
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.