[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: