[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist