[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
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house sitting!
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero